Barber shop blues (far from it!)

My wife used to cut our childrens hair when they were young. My daughter always had a "pudding basin" hair cut with what could only be be called,irregular Lines. my son`s was never much better just a little more "chopped". They were the product of a frugal lifestyle which even today, after retirement, we are subjected to, yet again (too much month left at the end of the pension sum, syndrome!!).

No! she doesn`t still cut their hair but a week ago, whilst I was booking myself into my usual flirtatious Unisex hairdressers, for my £16.50 "tony curtis" (if you believe that you`d believe anything! true that I may ask them for that style! to which they usually reply "I am a hairdresser not a Fcuking magician" ) she suddenly decided that she would take the money and do it herself. I froze!!!!! I had visions of my sons hair after a prune and nearly wept. I quietly replace the reciever with a "Ill let you know when I`m free" ( never free but always reasonable :o))) and quietly got on with something else, hoping that she would forget and that I could then re book at some later date.

That was a week ago, today she announced "look what I bought" and produced a gentlemens hardressing set, complete with cape, scissors,brush,clippers and "lenght guides" I went weak at the knees, I started to tremble and again my sons hair flashed before my eyes. "Oh! I said", startled! and with a pleading look I said that she neednt have bothered as my appointment was for this afternoon (I lied). Dont worry she said breezly,I will do it and save us all that money! I slumped into a kitchen chair and had the cape wrapped around me and away she went. I have little enough hair as it is and when I saw what was falling to the floor I nervously commented that it seemed that it was a lot, by this time she had run the clippers up one side of my head, and there was no going back. "Shit!" was the reply I have put the wrong depth guide on, Oh no! I am using the No 1 guide , sorry! I should have used the number 3, What are we going to do now?" "always we when there is a problem!" I nervously joked as I didn`t want to upset her with the clippers fired up, did I?, Panic!!! or what!!.

I suggested that I should start a trend with the reverse to a Mohecan haicut and we started to laugh (dont ask me why, probably nerves?) she tried to fudge the mistake with a dextrous change of depth guides but eventually we had to face up to it! it was going to have to be a number one and like it!!

I looked on the floor and there was enough hair to make a rabbit. Bearing in mind that I am bald anyway, and coupled with the many scars that I have obtained to my head from a mis spent youth, middle years and in fact, life I guess, I had more than my fair share of chunks missing as well! She delved into the shiny aluminium box that came with the kit and produced a soft brush with which she dusted all the remaining hair off the cape and wisked the cape off with the flourish of a Bull fighter and asked "anything for the week end sir. Well!..... I collapsed, she laughed uncontrollably and both of us had tears running down our faces.

I have to say I do look like a scalped rabbit, caught in the headlight of a car, that can best be described as having been run over previously (accounting for the chunks missing) I had suffered the bad jokes that only a Barber could tell and the numerous questions like where did you go on your holiday? did you enjoy it? ( to which my reply was "You were with me you silly cow")her condom question was the "last straw" we are still laughing from the comment "anything for the weekend sir"). I will give her another chance! not only have I not laughed so much for a while (to my cost) I really enjoyed the inter reaction. Not to mention that the kit cost as much as my hair cut would have done, so we are on a winner from now on! I have worked it out that for every hair cut that she does, including tips :o)) I can travell 20 miles in my boat so ten haircuts a year I can go to france twice and bring back cheap Fags and wine ( God only knows why we would want to do that as we dont smoke or drink?).

Hold it right there!!!!!! it would appear that I am getting new curtains for the lounge and, I am not tipping her enough!!! Bol*o*ks!!!!! Ah well!!!!!